I'm too Sexy
by singyoutosleep
Summary: Finn is worried that he's boring in the bedroom and he asks Puck for help on how to amp up his sex life with Rachel. Hilarity ensues. Finchel. M. One-shot.
1. Advice

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Glee or the characters.

**Author's note: **This is a fill for a prompt. I won't tell you what it is otherwise it'll ruin the hilarity. R&R

* * *

Finn Hudson's getting a little paranoid. Okay, he's getting a _lot_ paranoid. He's afraid that his girlfriend is totally outdoing him in the sack. He's the _man_, he's supposed to be the one with all the crazy sex moves and the hot ideas. He's the one who's supposed to want to bend her over and just take her wherever he is. Rachel's not supposed to want any of that stuff. She's supposed to be worried about everything being emotional and fluffy and cute and stuff. She's supposed to want like bunny rabbit sex or something and he's supposed to want anaconda sex. Well, he doesn't exactly _know_ how anacondas have sex but it must be pretty weird and awesome, right? They're _anacondas_. But he feels like Rachel's the anaconda and he's the bunny rabbit and that's _so_ not cool.

So, he's going to the only person that he knows can help him out. Him and Puck are sort of cool again, whatever. They didn't really talk about what happened two years ago but they drink beer by the seven eleven and stuff, and they hang out outside of school, so things have pretty much gone back to the way they were before the whole baby drama thing. They're in senior year now, it's time to put the past in the past. But still, he can't help but feel like he's in freshman year, talking about the time Puck lost his virginity to Mrs. Plekanzsky. He feels awkward and inexperienced as he rings the doorbell.

"Hey dude," Puck greets, shirtless, of _course_ as he leans against the doorframe.

"Dude, do you have to be shirtless _every_ time I come over?" Finn groans, raking his hand through his hair as he steps in.

"I didn't know if it was you or like a hot pizza delivery chick or something. It's always better to be prepared, Hudson," Puck reminds him, to which Finn simply rolls his eyes.

"I need your help with something," Finn blurts out, shoving his hands into his pockets. He's nervous and embarrassed, and his cheeks are flushed.

"Dude, I'm flattered that you'd come to me and everything, but there's no way that I'm helping you figure out your sexuality issues. The Puckasaurus does not do dick," Puck teases, closing the door and taking a sip of the beer that was already in his hand.

"You're an asshole," Finn mumbles, punching him in the arm.

"I know," Puck shrugs, tossing him a can of beer, "but you like it."

"Yeah, yeah," Finn sighs, moving to the living room to sit down on the couch.

"What do you need help with, then?" his friend inquires, arching a brow at him.

"I - I need tips about how to amp things up, you know… _in the bedroom_," Finn blushes, looking away from Puck.

"You need to know how to turn Berry into a freak. I bet she won't even give you a –"

"No! That's not the problem," Finn stammers, cutting Puck off before he has a chance to finish his sentence, because honestly he doesn't want to know what Puck was thinking. "_I'm_ the problem, dude. Like, she's totally a freak in between the sheets and it's kind of wigging me out. She wanted me to tie her up yesterday and I had _no_ idea what the fuck I was supposed to be doing after I tied her up," he admitted, chewing on his lip.

"That's embarrassing, Finnessa," Puck sighed. Finn hated that nickname, and Puck seemed to throw it out at the most inopportune (a word he'd picked up from Rachel) times, like right then when he was really having trouble. "Your girlfriend is freaky as shit, she tells you to _tie her up_ and what did you end up doing? Please tell me you let her sit there horny and begging for a while before you actually made her come…"

"Um…" Finn mumbled, looking away again. Why hadn't he thought of doing that? He could have made Rachel _beg_ for something. That sounded pretty awesome. What was _not_ awesome was the slap upside the head that Puck gave him. "Ow – fuck!"

"Dude, you're the _man_. Your job isn't to care about feelings or anything, aside from how good your dick _feels_ when you stick it in her," Puck groaned, shaking his head like he was scolding a child. "You're supposed to be the one who's in charge. The only reason why you're supposed to be going out on dates and doing that kind of stuff with her is because she's earned it for letting you spread her legs. The way you're going you might as well let her let her strap one on and fu-"

"Puck!" Finn shouted, growling unhappily. "I know. I know I'm supposed to be the _man_ and I'm supposed to talk dirty to her and gross her out and tell her I'm going to fuck her so hard she won't be able to walk and stuff. I've watched porn I know how it works. But I want to catch her kind of off guard. Like, I want to be in charge or do something for _her_ so she doesn't feel like she has to be in charge all the time and everything. She reminds me of when we're going on dates so I think she just assumes that she has to take charge of our sex life, too. But I don't necessarily want it to be that way. I mean, sometimes yeah it's kind of cool for her to contribute and everything. Like that time we were in the shower and she picked up her leg half way through and stuck it on my shoulder. Like, that was kind of awesome because it just felt so good and she-"

"She can get her leg up on your shoulder? Fuck, can I borrow her?" Puck asked, totally serious.

Finn was sure that his punch to the arm was enough of an answer. "Okay, so tell me what I gotta do, bro."

"If you really wanna drive her crazy, you gotta put on a show for her. Berry is a performer, right? She likes everything to be big and dramatic. If you wanna catch her attention and make her go 'hold up, I better pay attention', you gotta perform – so- oh _shit_, you're gonna have to thank me for ever bro. You owe me like ten cases of beer for this one," Puck grinned.

"What? What?" Finn asked, wide eyed. He just wanted to hear Puck's idea.

"You gotta strip for her. But not like the kind of stripping you do when you just wanna get naked. Like, sexy stripping. A striptease. I'm talking music, hip shaking, maybe some sexy grinding, the _works_. Thing male stripper but like… without the costume," Puck suggested.

"Dude," Finn replied, totally in awe of his friend. "That's like the best idea ever. But wait – how am I gonna know what to do? I mean, it's not like I've done this before…"

"Just think of the Puckerone. What would the Puckerone do?"

"Isn't that a little… _gay_? Asking me to think of you when I'm stripping for my girlfriend?"

"Of course it's gay, but you gotta admit, you're thinking of it right now, and it's a hot sight."

God damn it, Puck was right. _Ew_. He must have shown something to the effect because Puck was just looking at him with the biggest shit-eating grin ever.

"Go ahead dude, text her. Tell her you want to take her out for dinner, so she won't be suspicious if you're in a suit and shit," Puck suggested.

Finn did as his friend suggested and texted Rachel. A few minutes later he got a reply that she was free and would be "overjoyed" to go out to a nice dinner with him. "We're good," he nodded, before looking up at Puck seriously. "Wait," he growled.

"What?" Puck inquired.

"I don't know how to tie a tie," Finn mumbled, blushing again.

"Ugh, wait here," Puck sighed, getting up and grumbling to himself as he walked out of the room, only to come back in a few minutes later with a tie. "I feel like I'm in fucking Brokeback Mountain or something today," he sighed, looping the tie around Finn's neck.

Yeah, this did feel pretty gay. _I really, really need to start spending time with Burt in the mechanic shop…_


	2. Follow Through

Rachel Berry was about as happy as a clam (though that still struck her as an odd expression, since she wasn't sure it was even possible to know if a clam could be happy, but that was beside the point). Her boyfriend had invited her out for an impromptu fancy dinner and everything had gone swimmingly. The conversation was flowing and they talked of their plans to go to New York after graduation. Finn had gotten a partial scholarship to NYU's music program and she had gotten into Columbia on a full ride. They were going to live together in a little apartment between their respective campuses, and she was going to try and audition for shows in her spare time. They were going places, and she was really feeling content.

Of course, because her dads were out and because the night had gone so well, she was also feeling _needy_. She was a teenager in a stable and committed relationship, with an active sex drive – she needed her boyfriend in her and that was that. Her hormones were driving her far too crazy to abstain anyways. "Would you like to come inside?" she inquired, though it was a mere formality. She didn't even really pay attention to his answer, because she knew what it would be.

Waiting for Finn to open her door, she noticed that he swallowed rather hard on his way around the car, since she could obviously see out the front window, but she didn't think much of it. He had probably swallowed some air wrong or something. Taking his hand as he helped her out, Rachel fished her keys out of her purse. "I had a lovely time," she smiled, pressing her nose against his arm.

"I had a great time, too," he smiled, kissing the top of her head as she opened the door, dropping her keys on the entryway table as she kicked off her heels.

"Take off your jacket," she smiled, wiggling her eyebrows at him.

"In a bit," he replied, nodding as he closed the door behind them and locked it, even though in Lima, the only real danger was Noah Puckerman. And apparently they were safe because Puck only tried to rob non-Jews. Finn never really paid attention to the reason why because he got bored easily, but he knew that Puck obviously knew that Rachel was Jewish. But still, one could never be too safe.

"Let's go upstairs," Rachel giggled, pulling him by the hand up her stairs and into her room, instantly launching herself at him.

"Nuh-uh," Finn replied, much to Rachel's confusion as he pulled away from her. Watching with furrowed brows as he went over to her CD player, the brunette kept her hands on her hips as she cocked her head to the side.

"Finn, what are you doing?" she inquired, as he pulled a CD out of his jacket pocket and popped it in.

"Sit down," Finn insisted, leaning against her desk as she did as she was told, though she was still royally lost.

"What's going on?" Rachel asked, arching her eyebrows.

"You're always doing stuff for me, like, in the bedroom and stuff, so I'm trying to return the favor," Finn replied, raking his hand through his hair awkwardly.

Just the phrasing was enough to make Rachel cringe. _Return the favor_. She had heard that before, after the first time that she had gone down on him in sophomore year. It had been towards the end of the year and she'd finally worked up the courage to do it – it clicked with her one day that Ms. Pillsbury's comment about not having a gag reflex was sexually charged, and he'd offered to _return the favor_. While everything had gone smoothly on Rachel's end, when Finn got around to 'repaying' her, it wound up in him leaving feeling demoralized, Rachel torn between running after him or finishing herself off, and her boyfriend avoiding her for almost two weeks.

But, she was determined not to outwardly show the fact that she was nervous. She was just going to grit her teeth and bear through whatever was going on here, for Finn's sake. After all, it couldn't be that bad, right?

_Wrong_. Oh, she was so, so wrong. When she had seen a CD, she thought it was going to be Finn trying to be creative and putting together some mood music for them to make love to. There would probably be some weird choices on it but she could ignore the music and get caught up in all things Finn Hudson rather easily.

If. Only.

Rachel knew it was not going in that direction from the second the few easily recognizable intro seconds of "I'm too Sexy for my Shirt" started playing. She didn't know if that was the actual name of the song – a rarity for her, but it didn't matter, she just wanted it to stop. Oh God, she wanted it to stop. Whatever was about to happen, it was _not_ going to be good.

Rachel wasn't exactly sure if Finn was trying to do some kind of dance or thrusting manoeuver, she didn't know, but it was honestly, a little strange. To be quite honest it looked like something that if No – _Noah Puckerman, I am going to kill you_. It looked exactly like the type of thing that Noah Puckerman would be doing if he were trying to dance to this song. She had seen that performance of "I Wanna Sex You Up" at that parents' conference in sophomore year – she had been working the refreshments table as part of the student government, and whatever Finn was doing right now it just _screamed_ Noah.

Okay, the hip wiggling wasn't so bad. It was actually kind of cute and so long as he kept doing that while he was stripping (his jacket was on the floor and he was unbuttoning his shirt – though for some strange reason he had yet to remove his tie, so she figured his 'sexy surprise' for her was a striptease), she could just tune out the music and – wait, no, what was he doing?

"I'm too sexy for your love, too sexy for your love…"

Dear God, he was _singing along_. Honestly, it made Rachel giggle and her immediate reaction was to cover her face with her hands, but not because she found him to be so adorable that it hurt, she was just embarrassed for him. She was pretty sure she was going to die of embarrassment and the worst part was that Finn was getting so totally into it that he was just embarrassing himself even more. When she uncovered her eyes, he was doing some kind of strange dance move that vaguely looked like something out of Grease, but she couldn't be sure, but at least he was dropping his pants now, so it was probably almost completely over.

Wait… what? Was he going to try and _sexy dance_ for her? _Please tell me this is just a very awkward dream. Please. Ouch, damn it. That hurts. I'm not dreaming_. That's it, she couldn't take the torture anymore. Hip thrusting as a dance move could be pulled off by a lot of people, but Finn Hudson in Spiderman boxers was not one of them. Rachel launched herself at him, pulling him into a hungry and needy kiss, using his tie to tug him down towards her, all while simultaneously reaching to turn off the dreadful song.

_Much_ better.

"That was so hot," she grinned, moving her lips against his hungrily and pulling him by the tie towards the bed, tugging it off and tossing it to the floor. In a way, it was, too. While the actual dancing was not particularly sexy – in fact, it was an experience she'd rather not repeat any time soon, the fact that he was willing to do that for her, and the fact that he _wanted_ to be sexy for her was actually pretty hot. He _wanted_ to make her feel special. And while candles and a bed full of rose petals would have achieved that much better than what had just happened, she was willing to very liberally go with the old adage 'it's the thought that counts'.

"Oh yeah?" he smirked, that kind of boyish smirk where he was proud of himself but still came off totally adorable anyways.

"Yeah," she nodded, pressing her lips forcefully to his as she wrapped a leg around his waist, using the heel of her foot to push him down against her, causing them both to moan.

"It felt really awkward to me," Finn admitted, frowning as he trailed kisses along her jaw line, his hands tugging at the zipper on the side of her dress.

"You wanted to perform for me. No matter what the performance is, that will _always_ be sexy to me," Rachel smiled, tangling her hand in his hair and sighing happily as his teeth scraped across her neck.

"Good, because you're always sexy to me, too," Finn mumbled, smiling against her skin.

"Maybe you should show me how sexy you think I am," she quipped, chuckling at the loud growl that fell from his lips as he buried his face in her neck. Running her hands down his chest, Rachel rolled her hips against his gently, whimpering unhappily as her dress prevented her from getting the kind of friction that she wanted. Breaking away from her a bit, Finn tugged the dress off of her and she rolled her hips against his, moaning happily at the difference. _Much better_.

"So hot," Finn mumbled, kissing his way along her collarbone and down the valley in between her breasts, his hands moving along her sides gently. Whimpering as he ran his thumb over her nipples, pinching them gently, Rachel felt her eyelids fluttering gently as a rush of wetness appeared between her thighs, forming a small spot on her underwear.

Finn chuckled to himself. He _knew_ that very specific whimper. He knew all of Rachel's sounds by heart already. While he had started out perhaps a bit skeptical about his girlfriend, he had grown to love every single part of her. Kissing his way along her stomach, dipping his tongue into her belly button quickly, he smiled against her skin as he reached the waistband of her panties, tugging on them with his teeth as he inhaled sharply. "Enjoying yourself?" he smirked, running his finger teasingly over the front of her panties

"You're well aware of the fact that I am enjoying myself right now," Rachel muttered, narrowing her eyes at him slightly as she bit her lip.

"Good," he smiled, hooking his fingers into the waistband of her panties, tugging them off slow enough that Rachel actually growled at him.

"Patience, babe," Finn grinned, kissing his way down her leg slowly. Rachel both loved and hated it when he did that. On the one hand, it felt amazing, and it made her quiver just thinking about where his lips would eventually end up, but on the other hand her legs were probably disproportionately long in comparison to her torso, so it seemed to take _forever_ for him to get where she wanted him to be.

Biting her lip as she felt her eyes rolling back, Rachel let out a loud moan as his lips trailed past the inside of her knee to her thigh, gripping the sheet with one hand while the other tangled lazily in his hair. "Mhm," she mumbled, squirming as Finn's tongue trailed along the dip in her hip bone. "Please," she whimpered, chewing on her lip as he chuckled, his lips sending little vibrations down her leg before blowing a gentle puff of air against her clit as he guided her leg over his shoulder.

She was so _lucky_ that she had a boyfriend who liked doing this to her. While their first attempt at doing this might not have gone so well, it was safe to say that he had redeemed himself in the last year. Over and over and over. Moaning loudly as he licked her clit, Rachel was glad that her fathers weren't home. When they were home, she had to be quiet and it never felt as good. It was like the louder she was, the more she egged Finn on, and the better everything became. Tugging on his hair gently, Rachel looked down at him briefly before flopping her head back on the pillow. Finn's tongue was working on her clit and his fingers were just barely prodding her entrance, just enough to tease her. "Please, baby," Rachel begged, whimpering desperately as she squirmed.

Chuckling quietly, Finn obliged and pushed his fingers into her, making them moan together. She was so wet and she just wanted, no she _needed_ him to make her come. His fingers were working a fast pace, pushing a little deeper each time, and she was arching, trying to buck her hips despite the fact that he was holding them down securely with his free hand. "Finn… Oh my God," she cried, her moans increasing in volume as he curled his fingers up, drumming them gently against her spot, before holding a firm pressure there as he sucked on her clit. He was humming now, and his lips were vibrating against her clit, sending little pulses through her that were driving her crazy. Her moans were becoming breathless, and he was pushing against her spot, flicking his fingers at it. She was so close, so close. "Finn… Finn…" she chanted, over and over, a sign that she was getting close. She was right there, at the point where her toes were starting to curl and that dizzyingly wonderful feeling was started to overtake her, when he pulled back, moving his fingers painfully slow.

"Not yet, baby," he chuckled, a mischievous smirk plastered on his face as she growled unhappily at him.

"I was so close," she whined, tossing her head back unhappily as she watched him pulling off his boxers.

"I know, but admit it, you like it when I don't let you come right away. It feels better for you," he challenged, and Rachel simply rolled her eyes. He was right – it did feel better, for the both of them. She clung to him tighter, and she just wanted it fast and _hard_ because she was always so desperate.

Bringing her legs up to his shoulders as he settled above her, Rachel shivered as he ran his hand down her leg, stroking himself a few times with his free hand. Licking her lips, Rachel let out a loud moan as he pushed into her hard, her angle allowing him to go in deeply. "Fuck," he mumbled, burying his face in her neck.

"Oh God," she moaned, bucking her hips against his, clawing desperately at his back. He was thrusting into her hard and fast, and it just felt _so_ good. Wrapping a leg around his waist, she pushed him deeper. Finn groaned loudly and picked up the pace, pushing against her spot. "Finn…" she moaned, dragging her nails along his back again, leaving claw marks in her wake. Crying out as he bucked into her spot once again, Rachel whimpered his name as she started to throb around him. "Oh God, I'm comiiiing," she wailed, tightening around him hard as her body trembled. Finn pushed into her once more and tumbled over the edge as well, moaning her name into her neck.

Unwrapping her legs from around him as she let her body go limp against the mattress, Rachel breathed heavily as he pulled out of her and rolled onto his side. "Hi," he smiled, panting slightly.

"Hi," she grinned, stroking her thumb over his cheek. "That was amazing, as usual."

"Even when you were whining?" Finn inquired, an amused grin on his face as he arched an eyebrow.

"I only whine because I want you to make me feel good," Rachel grinned. "Just like I want you to feel good all the time."

"Wait, is that why you're always like an anac – is that why you're always trying to switch things up?" he wondered, more to himself than to her.

"Yes," she admitted, chewing on her lip as she looked away from him. "I don't want you to ever think I'm boring."

"I'll never think you're boring," Finn promised, sighing as he shook his head. "You're perfect, Rachel. Sometimes I think you're going to think that _I'm_ boring."

"Is that what all of that was about earlier?" Rachel asked, arching her brow at him.

"It was weird, wasn't it? You can tell me, I caught a glimpse of myself in your mirror," he chuckled.

"You probably shouldn't apply to Chippendale's any time soon," she admitted licking her lips. "I wouldn't mind seeing you in the outfit though… or maybe like a sexy firefighter costume."

"A sexy firefighter, huh?" he grinned. "I think I can do that."

"And I can be a sexy nurse to take care of all the claw marks," she grinned, looking at his back.

"Our Halloween costumes for next year are settled, then," Finn smiled.

"Do the sexy nurse and the sexy firefighter get to have sex after they're finished their workdays?" she inquired, giggling.

"The sexy nurse and the sexy firefighter get to have sex whenever they want, and as the sexy firefighter, I say that there's no time like the present," he laughed, pulling her on top of him."

"The sexy nurse agrees," Rachel grinned, wiggling her eyebrows as she leaned down to kiss him.

It was going to be a long night.


End file.
